cynicism

I'm in the state of cynicism lately...

- I'm financially broke...since I got a company loan (for my wedding) my salary could barely support my needs. Honestly, I'm diffident of the fact that my share in our household expenses is lesser as compared to that of my siblings' . As much as I want to help, I just don't have the means to do it. To make things worse, our usual "profit sharing" which is given in the middle of May or early June has not been given to us yet. No brave soul would want to ask the management if they could still give this or not since this is not really a benefit, the company gives this out of goodwill. I'm giving it until this week, otherwise I will obtain a loan from HDMF since my insurance premium is due early July. I know this will strain my budget more but i really have no other choice.

- I'm not enjoying my job...I honestly feel that I've taken the wrong career path. I'm basically staying with my job out of necessity. I could not afford to look for a new job now since I'm getting married at the end of this year. I could not take a long vacation for my wedding if ever I'll be transferring. I've been working for eight years already, I really feel I need a break at this point in time. As much as I want to resign and take a rest for a while, I have obligations at home and it would be a selfish move to do that. Honestly, my frustration on my career has caused me disappointment, depression, at times body illness and I've shed many tears as well.

- I'm getting married... I know I should be rejoicing but with the two things I mentioned above, I can't help but be scared at times. I really am happy of the fact that I'm getting married and that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with my one true love. Right now, things are moving smoothly with our wedding preparations but we still lack funds to finance everything. More so, I'm having doubts if we could make all ends meet once we're married. I know that God will help us, my concern is more on money matters anyway. However, if we will base things on the context of spiritual and emotional maturity, I know we are ready to take the plunge.

- My friends whom I usually talk to when I'm frustrated, depressed or simply tired are all out of reach. They went abroad. I know I coud reach them if I want to...through e-mail or sms, but being near each other is still different, you know someone is there to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong. You also have someone to laugh with or celebrate with if there's a reason for it.

I really hate the feeling of being cynical. I'm praying so hard to God to remove me out of this state.