pursuing one's passion

I envy those people who can pursue their passion without any fear. I used to be like that but after my father's death, I've learned to be more cautious with my decisions in life. After his death, our financial stability as a family wavered as well. I cannot just do anything I want to do now, there will be people affected if I make the wrong decision/s.

At this point in time, I really don't know what I want to do with my career. But one thing's for sure, I don't want to be eaten up by the corporate world and spend my lifetime here. On our way home last Friday, my sis and I had a little talk about our careers. We actually have the same view on this thing. We just do what is expected of us as employees but we do not really want to aim for prestige or higher positions in the company we're both working for at present. We both don't want the pressure that a higher position entails. For those people who knew what we went through, they would understand that our personal life has been so complicated and we already dealt with a much bigger pressure. If our careers will be embedded with more pressure, our system might not be able to take it anymore. We also have other extra-crricular activities (my siblings and I are all active members of CFC-Singles for Christ). I really envy those people who knew what they want out of their career. Those who can easily get out and pursue what they really want...volunteer work, being artists, starting a small business, etc. If I only have the means, I would do the same thing.

Pls. don't think that I'm really a "lost" person because I'm not. I know exactly what I want to happen with my life. I know I would want to have a family (which I will be starting soon) and be the best mother to my soon-to-be-kids and best wife to my future husband. I also know that I still want to continue serving God through the CFC community for as long as I live. It's really just in the career aspect that I'm at a loss. On second thought, I probably know what I want to happen with my career... I just do not want to admit it and I might be too scared to change the course of my life. I hope I will have the courage soon... I really wanna be free... free from the melancholy of enduring something that I am not passionate about.

Of Life's Blessings

I read TA & my brother JM's article in the GK News Bureau awhile ago. Their article was well-written but it has touched my inner core more than anything else. They wrote a story about Lola Uding of GK Selecta Village in Barangay San Andres, Cainta. Lola Uding's family lives in that shanty for quite a long time already and their house is yet to be renovated by Gawad Kalinga. She has taught me through this article the value of selflessness by constantly sharing what she has even if it may not be enough for her. I felt so guilty after reading the article. If you will notice in my previous posts, I've been so absorbed with ranting about almost everything. I've been so worried about so many things, my upcoming wedding and the life I will have after that, my job, finances, etc. when there are other people whose concerns are much much bigger than mine.

I guess not being able to go to the GK Site (San Andres) for quite a long time already has made me a superficial person at present. I used to go there to help out in the SAGIP program of GK for the beneficiaries' children. When I'm so pressured with a lot of things, going to GK has been one of my alternatives to go to during weekends because I truly enjoy the company of SAGIP kids. They might be young but they taught me things that are truly priceless, they usually keep my feet on the ground. Some of them may smell stingy or look dirty but I don't really mind, their smiles are enough to make my day. I actually know Lola Uding's grandson, Enrique, I must admit that he's one difficult kid but he's very smart. As the article said, there are actually 18 family members living in their little shanty and so the Psychologist in me thinks that Enrique behaves this way because he's actually seeking for affection & attention (imagine having to hurdle with 17 other people for even the most basic necessity/ies).

Lola Uding, Enrique and I'm sure there are more people whose life conditions are much worse than mine and yet they can offer a smile, help or be an inspiration to others. Inspite of their condition, they still do not dwell on self-absorption but find ways on how to offer even their simlplest blessings to others. Heck, I have so many things to be thankful for but I chose to complain over insignificant or trivial matters.

Being with family & friends, a smile from a stranger, getting an inspirational message or simply just being able to wake up each day are already forms of blessings. We merely need to recognize their worth in our existence and we'll know that they are all heaven sent. We may feel so broken inside but if we will just focus our hearts and minds on all of God's blessings then we won't feel the brokenness and emptiness that haunts us at present.

happenings during the weekend

I'm actually not in the mood to write a long entry about a certain topic. So, I just decided to enumerate what happended during the weekend.

Here it goes:

Saturday...
- I went to work in the morning.
- Had lunch at Kokoy's house and talked to his parents about our wedding plans and the life we plan to take afterwards. ( I think through this talk I got to know his parents better, it's actually a breather. I'm also very thankful for the "gifts" they gave us).
- Kokoy & I went to the kiddie party of Gabbie & Gianna Mathay. Gigi (their mom) was really so busy that afternoon and even hosted a certain segment of the party:) I really had fun hanging out with the gang (AJ, Sonji, Alen, Diane, Billie, Dindin) during the party. We liked the emcee's ever-changing clothes, bwahaha! I plan to buy Alen those clothes as his costume for my wedding (he will host the event), hahaha!
- The gang (except Billie & Din) decided to head to Eastwood after the kiddie party. We watched The Brothers Grimm and had midnight snack at Firefighters. Tsk, tsk, the waitresses in Firefighters were looking at AJ, they thought he was that dancer turned actor who was paired to Judy Ann a few years back, hahaha!

Sunday...
- I woke up around 7:30 am...cooked breakfast, ironed my office uniforms and took a bath.
- Went to hear mass with my sis and Kokoy's family in their village.
- Ate Dothy & Alfred followed us at Kokoy's house during lunch (ang galing ng timing):0
- We (or rather Jeng) did our wedding invitation and we watched a film and basically just fooled around at Kokoy's house:)















(see what i mean!)



- We went to Our Lady of Light Parish to do the flyering for our Christian Life Program then we headed to Meldrid's house to have a taste of her delicious sopas.
- We had dinner at Yahoo in Metrowalk.
- As always, Kokoy & I ended our weekend with a prayer.

Pamamanhikan

Kokoy's family went to our house last Sunday (Sept. 4) to actually do the Filipino tradition of pamamanhikan or formally asking the girl's hand in marriage from her family. In our part, this was really just a formality. Way before the pamamanhikan, everybody knew that Kokoy & I are getting married and that we have already prepared most of the details of our wedding. It turned out fine, most of our family members just gave us pieces of advice regarding marriage. Of course, one of the biggest question that popped up was, who's going to bring me to the altar? I was kinda hesitant to say it and I think it was my brother who told them my reason. As I wrote in my previous entry, I don't want anybody to bring me to the altar because I was saving it for my father, for his spiritual presence actually. My paternal grandma cried when she heard my reason and told me I was doing the right thing (my lola was really close to my dad).

The conversations went on smoothly, everyone has a word to say and I could honestly say that everybody was happy for us (except for my tito who got drunk and was claiming that he saw my father in our bathroom and that he doesn't approve of my fiance... i was like duh, you're already drunk...i know my fiance better than anyone and he's such a responsible and God fearing man...as i mentioned again in my previous post...my dad even actually helped me when i was discerning whether to accept Kokoy in my life or not). My paternal grandfather even mentioned that Kokoy was truly a gift from God. Well, Kokoy really exerted an effort to get to know my family during the five years that we've been together and I must say that it paid off. My grandparents and titos and titas all approved of him.

Honestly, I was trying to hold back my tears all throughout that event. Those were supposedly tears of joy, I was really happy and I feel so blessed that my family is truly supportive. Kokoy told me how happy he was as well that both our families were jovial towards our upcoming union. I hope I can still hold back those tears when I finally walk down the aisle;)